So, What Interrogations Techniques Are Allowed, Then?

Chairman Zero has adopted the Far Left definition of torture, which is anything that brings even momentary discomfort to a bloodthirsty terrorist.

So, suppose the military or the CIA capture an Al Qaeda kingpin who has knowledge of a forthcoming suicide bomb attack that will kill thousands of Americans. We know that Bam-Bam has ruled out waterboarding, face-grabbing, sleep deprivation, prolonged standing, "caterpillaring" and any other coercive means of interrogation. What else is left?

• Saying "Please."


• Saying "Pretty Please."


• Saying "Pretty Please with Sugar on it."


• A promise of immunity from prosecution. (Yeah, that'll work on a fanatical jihadist.)


• Saying, "I'll be your friend." (But only if you really mean it.)


• Offering to let him play with a puppy. (Oh, wait, dogs are haram.)


• Making big sad Puss 'n' Boots from Shrek eyes.


• Promising he won't be sent to Gitmo... oh, wait, Gitmo's closed.


• Promising him comfortable prison accommodations... oh, wait, he has to get those anyway.


• Offering him tickets to Seussical.

Frankly, I have no faith that any of these techniques will work.

Thousands will die, but smug liberals will still be proud of themselves for not putting a terrorist in a cell with a caterpillar or slapping him lightly around the face.

Isn't liberal piety worth a few thousand corpses of innocent people?