Friday, April 24, 2009

So, What Interrogations Techniques Are Allowed, Then?

Chairman Zero has adopted the Far Left definition of torture, which is anything that brings even momentary discomfort to a bloodthirsty terrorist.

So, suppose the military or the CIA capture an Al Qaeda kingpin who has knowledge of a forthcoming suicide bomb attack that will kill thousands of Americans. We know that Bam-Bam has ruled out waterboarding, face-grabbing, sleep deprivation, prolonged standing, "caterpillaring" and any other coercive means of interrogation. What else is left?

  • Saying "Please."

  • Saying "Pretty Please."

  • Saying "Pretty Please with Sugar on it."

  • A promise of immunity from prosecution. (Yeah, that'll work on a fanatical jihadist.)

  • Saying, "I'll be your friend." (But only if you really mean it.)

  • Offering to let him play with a puppy. (Oh, wait, dogs are haram.)

  • Making big sad Puss 'n' Boots from Shrek eyes.

  • Promising he won't be sent to Gitmo... oh, wait, Gitmo's closed.

  • Promising him comfortable prison accommodations... oh, wait, he has to get those anyway.

  • Offering him tickets to Seussical.

Frankly, I have no faith that any of these techniques will work.

Thousands will die, but smug liberals will still be proud of themselves for not putting a terrorist in a cell with a caterpillar or slapping him lightly around the face.

Isn't liberal piety worth a few thousand corpses of innocent people?


innominatus said...

We need to ask the ACLU what is acceptable, on a case-by-case basis. Seriously. When the ACLU crapweasel meets with the detainee to discuss what will be allowed, the detainee will be so disgusted by the ACLU lawyer that he'll tell us everything we want to know.

"Infidel Prison Guard, please! I tell all to you now! Please, show mercy! In the name of allah, please, remove this annoying tweed-wearing metrosexual lawyer from my cell and I will cooperate!"

Matthew Avitabile said...

Don't forget the 'torture' of giving Saddam Hussein fruit loops.