Poor Kid Never Had a Puppy

The Associated Press is doing its part to rehabilitate the image of the poor oppressed pirates of the Gulf of Aden. The Ass Press is unfamiliar with the copyright concept of "fair use," and gets pissy if anyone quotes their content. So let me summarize the report by MOHAMED OLAD HASSAN and MALKHADIR M. MUHUMED, who obviously could not possibly have any motivation to whitewash the stories of Islamist pirates.

• The poor kid was very smart, but quiet... and just like you liberals out there, he probably resented the popular kids and was too shy to ask a girl to prom.
  
• He liked foreign movies ... just like an art house liberal.
  
• Those pirates tricked him into becoming a pirate... probably by convincing him they were with Greenpeace or something.

The left-wing press has a unique faculty for creating sympathy for perpetrators and contempt for victims.