Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Advice For Obama
For all the psudeo-conservatives and even those conservatives I admire kissing ass to Obama about how we should "want him to succeed", I thought I'd share some advice with the new president on what to do to succeed.
* No matter how much he looks like he needs one, never give a murderous dictator a hug.
* If you bomb enough of a country’s infrastructure, including fossil fuel burning power plants and factories, war can actually be carbon neutral.
* If you don’t like a government policy, don’t march down a street shouting about while burning an American flag; just go ahead and change the policy.
* Protesting troops as baby-killers is considered a faux pas when you’re the commander in chief.
* As easy as 100% taxation would make things for funding your programs, most economists agree you have to let people keep at least some money.
* You may love peace, but if an enemy country actually invades the U.S., people are going to expect you to respond militarily even if you personally think that would be an overreaction.
* If the American people turn against your policies, don’t just shout, “I know better than you, you inbred, sky fairy-worshiping hillbillies!” That hardly ever helps.
* No matter how smart actors may seem, they really aren’t the best foreign policy advisers.
* It would be great to capture Osama bin Laden, but giving him a plea bargain so he’ll testify against the real terrorist, George W. Bush, probably won’t go over as well as you expect.
* Just because some more foreign countries may like us doesn’t mean they’ll actually be anymore useful.
* No matter how sure you are that conservatives are evil and just like Nazis, you can’t round them up into camps.
* Blaming Bush for problems is going to be harder the longer it’s been since he was in office; you’ll eventually have to find a new scapegoat. The Jews tend to be the popular choice.
* Though you probably want to reduce military engagements, you’ll actually have to expand war to all parts of the globe if you don’t want the military’s enemy body count to look racist.
Tips from Frank J, who is way more funny than I am.